It has definitely been a while since we last spoke and i just want to let you know that few people come into one's life who dramatically define the person that you aspire to be. you are one of those individuals that have motivated and inspired me to really self evaluate myself and continue on this little quest called "growing up". Your unconditional support and guidance have served as a stepping stone to face life's challenges- the good, the bad and the ugly. I am currently teaching English overseas in Taiwan. After graduating from college i felt completely lost and uncertain what to do with my life. Shortly afterward i began bar backing and bartending for roughly 8 months. I had a great time doing it but i knew i was time to move on. Traveling, experiencing various cultures and languages first hand is what makes me happy, hence moving to Taiwan.
During my bartending phase entitled " Rude Awakening" i met a lot of interesting individuals with fascinating stories of faith, love and redemption, coincidentally it made me realize that the hardest part about growing up is being true to yourself. For example, a lot of people didn't understand why i wanted to bartend being a collegiate educated woman and all, but it was something that i had to do for myself.
I have been in Taiwan for about 3 weeks now, finally getting situated in my apartment and schedule of a busy adult who has to teach, pay bills and remember to feed herself.
This has definitely been a growing process, doing everything on my own.... from apartment searching, getting lost, slowly picking up the language, meeting completely random strangers who you think have nothing in common with you and making it into a rather engaging conversation, managing you money and knowing that your family and friends are 10, 000 thousand miles away can be overwhelming at times. Nonetheless i am determine to make the best of this experience by living, loving and learning one day at time.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Dreaming with the Devil
I had a dream with the devil. Still contemplating if it was a dream or not. As the true geek that I am, I did a little research on the matter. 172,000 million hits popped up, varying from religious, astrological and satanic worshippers manifesting how you ought to read the bible and let "God show you the light" to other more extreme opinions proclaiming the end of the world is near. I took the less drastic perspective. Dreams are visual precursors of our subconscious. They are in an encrypted language. In essence dreams are a manifestation of our inner self.
Did I mention, I had a dream with the devil? So that should tell you something. I always tell myself today is the day- the day where everything will somehow magically fall into place. Today is the day, I will wake up refreshed and make the most out of it. Today is the day that I start doing sit ups again and my chronic back and stomach aches disappear. More so, today is the day I put my financial debt on an excel spread sheet and begin on this fun and exciting journey called "Adulthood" [please insert a sarcastic tone followed by a long pause].
But today is simply the day I decide to write. Not some grand witty story- just write.
You see, the very little time that I spent in Taiwan has served as a mechanism of self evaluation. No matter where you are or what you do- a routine is still a fucken routine, and no matter how much you try to avoid falling deep within its wrath, it's nearly damn unavoidable. Work will be work, love will be love, as heartache and deception will also be just that. And the way you decide to carry on in life is completely and utterly up to you.
Over the past year or so I have been stuck in a rut (for lack of a better word). A soul searching mentally draining kind of rut. Some find their niche in Buddhism, art, making money or helping those less fortunate which ultimately becomes their drive and greater force in life. It's a force that allows them to find peace and happiness within themselves and all around them. I haven't quite reached that point and to be frank I don't think it exist. Happiness is merely a transitional point leading to a less happy state of mind. In any case I have yet to be proven wrong but still completely jealous of those who have found their niche. So with this cynical view of mine I'm sure it's damn nearly impossible to find this "peace and happiness place."
For a long time I stopped writing, never lost interest, just got lazy and caught up on simply living and not reflecting. Not the taking the necessary measures to nourish my body- mentally, physically and spiritually.
It's the second week of Chinese New Year's and it tends to be the more spiritual part of it. I usually walk outside to a deep layer of ash floating in the air. It's an ancient Chinese tradition to burn money as a form of reverence to the Gods hoping that the God's receive the money somewhere in "God land" and bring fortune for the upcoming year. People also go to remote countryside's and buy these huge paper lanterns, write their wishes on the lanterns, light them on fire and watch them fly into the abyss of the dark sky. I've heard that others write all their negative thoughts on little pieces of paper and burn it in a huge fire bin outside temples, as a form to rid one's self of all the negativity within you.
If I had money I would burn it. I already lit the lantern in a majestic countryside but it was raining and I don't think they will receive the memo.
But, for what its worth, tomorrow morning before I begin my 7 minute walk to the bus stop, my 10 minute wait for brown bus 9, and my 35 minute bus commute to Taipei Suburbia, all in effort to begin my daily routine of lesson planning and teaching bratty kids and even brattier adults- I think I'm going to make a quick pit stop at the temple across the street. I need to dump some trash out.
In the great words of Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption, "you either get busy dying or get busy living!"
I prefer the latter.
Did I mention, I had a dream with the devil? So that should tell you something. I always tell myself today is the day- the day where everything will somehow magically fall into place. Today is the day, I will wake up refreshed and make the most out of it. Today is the day that I start doing sit ups again and my chronic back and stomach aches disappear. More so, today is the day I put my financial debt on an excel spread sheet and begin on this fun and exciting journey called "Adulthood" [please insert a sarcastic tone followed by a long pause].
But today is simply the day I decide to write. Not some grand witty story- just write.
You see, the very little time that I spent in Taiwan has served as a mechanism of self evaluation. No matter where you are or what you do- a routine is still a fucken routine, and no matter how much you try to avoid falling deep within its wrath, it's nearly damn unavoidable. Work will be work, love will be love, as heartache and deception will also be just that. And the way you decide to carry on in life is completely and utterly up to you.
Over the past year or so I have been stuck in a rut (for lack of a better word). A soul searching mentally draining kind of rut. Some find their niche in Buddhism, art, making money or helping those less fortunate which ultimately becomes their drive and greater force in life. It's a force that allows them to find peace and happiness within themselves and all around them. I haven't quite reached that point and to be frank I don't think it exist. Happiness is merely a transitional point leading to a less happy state of mind. In any case I have yet to be proven wrong but still completely jealous of those who have found their niche. So with this cynical view of mine I'm sure it's damn nearly impossible to find this "peace and happiness place."
For a long time I stopped writing, never lost interest, just got lazy and caught up on simply living and not reflecting. Not the taking the necessary measures to nourish my body- mentally, physically and spiritually.
It's the second week of Chinese New Year's and it tends to be the more spiritual part of it. I usually walk outside to a deep layer of ash floating in the air. It's an ancient Chinese tradition to burn money as a form of reverence to the Gods hoping that the God's receive the money somewhere in "God land" and bring fortune for the upcoming year. People also go to remote countryside's and buy these huge paper lanterns, write their wishes on the lanterns, light them on fire and watch them fly into the abyss of the dark sky. I've heard that others write all their negative thoughts on little pieces of paper and burn it in a huge fire bin outside temples, as a form to rid one's self of all the negativity within you.
If I had money I would burn it. I already lit the lantern in a majestic countryside but it was raining and I don't think they will receive the memo.
But, for what its worth, tomorrow morning before I begin my 7 minute walk to the bus stop, my 10 minute wait for brown bus 9, and my 35 minute bus commute to Taipei Suburbia, all in effort to begin my daily routine of lesson planning and teaching bratty kids and even brattier adults- I think I'm going to make a quick pit stop at the temple across the street. I need to dump some trash out.
In the great words of Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption, "you either get busy dying or get busy living!"
I prefer the latter.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Broken Solider
Putting the pieces to a broken solider...
We sit and talk in the midst of the morning light...
We laugh and sigh...an awkward pause,
He tells me how happy he is...
then he stares blankly into the sky.....
The tears,
The pain,
The sorrow...
A broken solider....is left with a tainted soul.
We sit and talk in the midst of the morning light...
We laugh and sigh...an awkward pause,
He tells me how happy he is...
then he stares blankly into the sky.....
The tears,
The pain,
The sorrow...
A broken solider....is left with a tainted soul.
MUJERES VALENCIA
Mujeres
Sobrevientes
mothers...
daugthers...
Lovers....
Sweet listeners of the sky.....
We are Las Mujeres Valencia....
take on other names , tittles, identities....
Renounce conventional upbringings....
selfishly and passionately...manifest our inner desires......
we strive and press on....
Abusive.....submissive....
unwed wives and mothers....scandalized temptresses....
alchoholics...
curanderas and pious Santas........
My mothers and I.
.................................................................................................................................................
Mujeres
Sobrevientes
Madres
Hijas
Amantes
Dulcemente eschucamos el cielo
Somas las mujeres VALENCIA
Tomamos otros nombres, titulos, identidades
Renunciamos ensienansas traditionales
Egoistamente e apassionadamente ....manifestamos nuestros deseos
Luchamos y continuamos........
Abusadoras,
sumissas
Esposas y madres sin casamiento....temptadores escandalosas
Alcholicas...
Curanderas.... y religiousas santas
Mis madres y yo...
Sobrevientes
mothers...
daugthers...
Lovers....
Sweet listeners of the sky.....
We are Las Mujeres Valencia....
take on other names , tittles, identities....
Renounce conventional upbringings....
selfishly and passionately...manifest our inner desires......
we strive and press on....
Abusive.....submissive....
unwed wives and mothers....scandalized temptresses....
alchoholics...
curanderas and pious Santas........
My mothers and I.
.................................................................................................................................................
Mujeres
Sobrevientes
Madres
Hijas
Amantes
Dulcemente eschucamos el cielo
Somas las mujeres VALENCIA
Tomamos otros nombres, titulos, identidades
Renunciamos ensienansas traditionales
Egoistamente e apassionadamente ....manifestamos nuestros deseos
Luchamos y continuamos........
Abusadoras,
sumissas
Esposas y madres sin casamiento....temptadores escandalosas
Alcholicas...
Curanderas.... y religiousas santas
Mis madres y yo...
A Well Behaved Woman Doesn't Make History
As I lay in the stillness of my bed
My heart methodically beats and yearns to know?
Who will she be when she grows up?
Does growing up ever stop?
Desperately trying to subdue to everyone’s wishes
She looses herself in an abysmal of mayhem
Distraught and distressed are her symptoms.....
How will you tell them?
How will you let them know?
I am not who you think I am nor will I ever be!
She wants to fly.
“Quiere volar”
Compressed
Reduced to subdue
Confined to a man
She yearns for freedom
To dance
To touch
To feel
Only in a way someone would know how to do if.........
She fell
She cried
Felt hopeless
Failed, failed again....failed better
My heart methodically beats and yearns to know?
Who will she be when she grows up?
Does growing up ever stop?
Desperately trying to subdue to everyone’s wishes
She looses herself in an abysmal of mayhem
Distraught and distressed are her symptoms.....
How will you tell them?
How will you let them know?
I am not who you think I am nor will I ever be!
She wants to fly.
“Quiere volar”
Compressed
Reduced to subdue
Confined to a man
She yearns for freedom
To dance
To touch
To feel
Only in a way someone would know how to do if.........
She fell
She cried
Felt hopeless
Failed, failed again....failed better
Virgen Mary in the Flesh
Dios te salve, María, llena eres de gracia, el Señor es contigo.
Teresa del nino Jesus Barrios is the daughter of Galdina Valencia. Teresa del nino Jesus was born and raised in Cuyuca de Catalan, Mexico; a place where food is scarce and education non- existent. Teresa, the eldest daughter of eight children was forced by her own mother to prostitute herself in order to help sustain the family. She was beaten everyday of her life by her mother and mother’s lovers out of desperation, poverty and brutal ignorance.
Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres,
y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús.
Patricia Barrios is her fake name; her new identity in the United States. Crossed the Rio Grande, endangering her life. At the mercy of the Unforgiving Sun who devours people, their spirits and aspirations for a better life. She is a single mother of three who works two jobs to give her children a better opportunity in life. She sacrifices her own personal happiness, works religiously; loves her children dearly. The youngest child is the product of a lover affair. A love affair in which for the very first time she felt what love truly was. Patricia makes no apologies for falling in love. She works devotedly. She is well loved and respected for her generosity and honesty. Everyone knows her as “la comadre paty.” La Comadre Patty drinks her worries away. She is an alcoholic for the next twenty years.
Santa María, Madre de Dios, ruega por nosotros, pecadores,
Mi Mami is like no other. Mi mami is not perfect. Mi Mami has an ill fated past of faith and redemption, perseverance and self determination.
Teresa del Nino Jesus, Patricia and the infamous Comadre Patty is.........
My Mother
My Father
My Virgin Mary
Who gave her all for the sake of Others
The one who taught me, “que el quierer es poder!”
ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte. Amen
I Don't Know
To not see anything, not even a future with you, makes me question why I hold onto you. It is a fatal attraction that drives me to shrug away my womanly pride. It is your deep and mysterious eyes that make me want to caress and take care of you, not knowing where I will go or what I will do. I often say, he something to not worry about.
But I know....
That every time I push him away, I love him more and more, and every time I shout, “I hate you!” I want to indulge in his everlasting scent that permeates my soul.
I do not claim to know what I would with or without you
I am smothered in a constant battle of “I love you” but “I really don’t know”
Its not knowing and wanting more....
Its tasting how good it could be...
I don’t know and I don’t want to know....
I don’t care and don’t hope to care.....
I don’t love you... but I really do.........
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