Caught in a city… stuck between a paradox of yang and tu boazi,[1] I stumble to find the menial significance of life. I am trapped in a world that I no longer belong to. I am afraid to go home. The people that life revolved around while growing up and in high school are not the people that I strive to be. Some of those people will never know what its like to live outside of the parameters of Highland Park. Most of them made an attempt to go to a community college, within a year drop out, get a minimum wage job working from 9 to 5, day in and day out-creating a vicious cycle. Why?
I am afraid to go back home and not want to ever return. My good old Highland Park has molded me into who I am today. It wasn’t until I came to China that I realized the endless possibilities that lie ahead of me. I don’t want be stuck or settle when there is so much to do and see in life. I don’t want to spend my evenings drinking outside my front porch, as so many of my neighbors do. I don’t want to be another statistic.
However, the people who I once thought to be part of me, questioned my very desire to excel in life, “so what now Zuhey… do you think you’re better than us!” are the words that torment my soul. Do I just settle… and fit into the norm? Do I go on with myself and continue to forget my past and look simply ahead? “One must know their past in order to move forward,” are word so often said but how can some who is stuck between a paradox of yang and tu baozi move forward?
[1] Terms used in classical Chinese literature. Tu baozi are people who do not aspire for anything in life- they are content with living a menial existence of mediocrity. The term Yang refers to people who strive to know more in life- who seek enlightenment.
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